College

I don't drive. I hate driving a car. It feels like a giant bullet I can only barely control. So instead, I walk to and from campus every day- I live at my parents' place, maybe twenty minutes away on foot.

 

Being a pedestrian feels like trespassing. It feels like modern life is designed for cars instead of people. I always have to look both ways three times each before I run across a crosswalk, not wanting to hold up the cars that truly own the city. As someone who's not especially athletic (or in-shape, for that matter), that can be a bit exhausting to do too often in a short timespan.

 

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting on the grass next to a sidewalk, catching my breath and listening to music. I'm not sitting on a bench, because that would be too damn convenient.

Another thing I don't like about walking is the people.

 

...That sounds bad. What I mean by that is that I have social anxiety, so my brain will interpret basically any interaction with strangers as something I have to navigate incredibly carefully to avoid making these random people hate me, or something. It's irrational, but that's just how it is.

When I hear people laugh, I think they're laughing at me. When I hear people talk, I think they're talking to me, and I get startled. When I happen to share a route with someone, I'm worried they think I'm following them.

That last one really isn't helped by being a trans girl. There's so much toxicity and hatred towards trans people, and when it comes to being a trans woman, that toxicity and hatred is channeled into the stereotype that we're all perverts who want to spy on "real women." As if I'm interested in transphobes anyways. No fucking thanks.

The one thing that's worse is the fear that someone else is stalking me. I haven't actually dealt with stalkers before, thankfully, but I keep having this worry- maybe rational, maybe not- that someone is following me when I'm walking home.